Morgan Blackledge
716 reviews2,311 followers
This is a highly flawed book. It DEFINITELY didn’t age well in parts. But its also PURE GOLD if you’re able to roll with some of the more problematic material. There is TOO MUCH herein to summarize in this venue. But in short. Here are some of the (paraphrased) BIG IDEAS. HEALTY RELATIONSHIPS: A healthy family/relationship is one in which (a) each member is at liberty to be their authentic self (some or most of the time), (b) each member is getting their individual needs met (some or most of the time), and (c) each member is benefited by membership (some or most of the time). The sum is greater than the parts. For a family/relationship to be healthy, there needs to be 1. differentiation, 2. connection, and 3. harmony. Differentiation within the family/relational system means that each member has a distinct sense of identity and is non-reactive to the thoughts and emotions shared within the system (some or most of the time). Connection within the family/relational system means that each member feels felt, heard, valued and safe (some or most of the time). Harmony within the family/relational system means that each member can think, feel and express their needs within the system, and accommodate the needs of others within the system, in a way that does not subtract from the health, welfare, wellbeing and growth of everyone involved (most or all of the time). In order to have differentiation, connection and harmony, there need to be 1. boundaries, 2. attunement, 3. attachment, 4. communication. Appropriate boundaries (limits, rues etc.) exist to enable privacy and individuation within the system. Attunement exists to enable togetherness and connection within the system. Secure attachment means that there is a flexible, efficient and effective way of reconnecting and repairing ruptures. Appropriate communication exists to (a) enable healthy boundaries, (b) facilitate connection, (c) express the thoughts, feelings and needs of the individuals and the collective, (d) negotiate and resolve conflicts, (e) ensure win/win outcomes (some or most of the time). ROLE PLAY: People adapt roles in a family system e.g. mother, father, husband, wife, son, daughter, and all permutations therein. Appropriate role definition and fulfillment is important to healthy boundaries, connection and communication in a family/relationship. Playing a role (in a family or relational system) entails: (a) adapting (modifying, changing etc.,) your personality to meet the needs of another (parent, spouse, sibling, child etc.,), (b) deferring your individual needs (either partially or completely) for the sake of the family/relationship on whole. A dynamic system is one in which each member can be their authentic self (some or most of the time) and where no one member is rigidly stuck in one role. But can flexibly adapt, and fulfill other roles, based on the overall wellbeing of the self, group and others. A ridged system is one in which each individual is stuck in one role and as such, is not at liberty to be their authentic self. A functional family system is one in which each all of the important roles/functions are fulfilled, everyone’s basic needs are being met, and each adult member is able to function self sufficiently and independently outside the system. A dysfunctional family system is one in which roles and needs go unfulfilled, or are fulfilled inappropriately (e.g. the children are caretakers for the parents) or where some or each member is rigidly stuck in one role or another (some or all of the time). Repression refers to ways we deny (conceal, or dissociate from) our authenticity (true feelings, thoughts, and self expression etc.,) to survive , or be accepted in a family system, relationship, job, society or culture. It takes (physical and psychological) energy to repress aspects of or self. As such, repression is draining, exhausting, and devitalizing. The adaptive child is the role children are enlisted into, whereby they repress aspects of themselves to be of service to the family. Being stuck in an adaptive child role (the good girl/boy, the parentified child, mom and dad’s best friend, the little therapist etc.,) is exhausting, and means the child is not getting all (or any) of their needs met, and is very contrary to personal growth. AGAIN: MUCH MUCH MOOCHO MORE MATERIAL than can be summarized here. So read the book if you’re curiosity has been sparked. Just remember, there’s some wack as f*ck sh*t in this book. It’s from the 80s. So…. If you missed the 80’s (because you’re a millennial or gen z, or whatever comes next) and some of the things you read in this book seem totally out of f*ckING control, (a) your not wrong, (b) that’s why punk rock happened, and (c) just be glad you didn’t have to live through it. GIVEN ALL THAT: I think its WAY worth reading. So… Be brave, be warned, sally forth and read it. 4/5⭐️s
CL
1 review
Do your self a gentle smart favor, ignore any negative review of this book. If you want to help yourself and help your friends and loved ones, summon whatever it takes for you to read this book. I had a female friend who told me for years that she had a happy childhood, that she loved her parents. I kept silent, as if I believed her, because the first time I recommended she read something like this she got very defensive. Years pass, she divorces the husband her parents forced her to marry, because she was pregnant with another mans' child. (Kid you not.) The husband made her give up the her first baby for adoption. She was so dominated by her parents at that time, she did, against her hearts' desire. She divorced this husband, 12 years her senior because he verbally abused her in front of their two sons. He stopped making love to her. (She was attractive). Her self esteem (or self feeling) went downhill. She slept in the livingroom for 3 years, secretly, so her sons wouldn't know. Meanwhile sometimes late at night, she and the husband would scream and argue to the point -- I later learned from a neighbor -- that the sons would run out into the large yard, hold their hands over their ears and scream -- in order to not hear their parents yelling. Every time I encouraged her to read this book or something like it, she claimed she had a happy childhood. Years and years later she called me and asked me to help her get a therapist, her life was falling apart. I researched on the web for a John Bradshaw trained therapist. She went and it saved her life. Meanwhile, before that, she divorced the abusive husband, went back into the workforce and eventually started drinking due to work stress, and became an alcoholic. She was arrested for a single car drunk driving accident, that landed her, knocked out by her head hitting the steering wheel in the hospital. She called her healthy friend, me, to pick her up, she was too ashamed to ask her oldest son, or any of her friends. She went to the therapist eventually, and learned to say "no" to her parents, and thought she was all better. Meanwhile she met the love of her life, and blossomed, traveled for the first time, had her first org*sm (she told me) and became a much happier person...except...when stress caused her to lean on the bottle. She leaned on the bottle more and more...to the point where I could no longer take her late night drunken raged filled phone calls. You guessed it, her unhealed childhood wounds caused her to ruin her relationship with her soul mate / love of her life. She ruined her health, her liver and kidneys and was diagnosed as a paranoic. She started having an affair at work, which led to her and the man being fired and led from the building by security guards. She loved her job, ultimate shame in her exit. I knew another woman, who was beaten by her father, with a bamboo switch, every week (along with her brothers) whether she (they) had mis-behaved that week or not. When she started to bloom as a young young woman, he started to molest her. When she had bloomed, he started raping her. When she first shared this with me, I offered her this book. She read this book, and Bradshaw's "Homecoming," about healing the inner child and the wounds of early life and such abuse, trauma and dysfunction. Within a few months she threw off the shackles of her old thinking and feelings and traveled around the world speaking at large conventions in her field, and being interviewed on television about her ground breaking work. Imagine a line drawn down the middle of a white or chalk board. To the left of the line is everyone and everything that these books can help liberate and heal. To the right of the line are all the people with wounds that will take more work and therapy. The first woman thought she knew better, likely, already paranoid and resistant to the suggestions of others due to her control father and mother. The second woman was just waiting to encounter information that could demonstrate for her that the beatings, molestations and rapes were not her fault. Of course the second woman would need and get more therapy, the book was the gateway. The first woman refused the gateway offered by the universe, a friend. And her life got better for a while after divorcing, and then cycled into a downward spiral. It is said people live their lives in patterns, repeated patterns, and that change is hard due to neurological / emotional imprints, as well as linguistic imprints (values, opinions, positives or prejudices). I tend to wonder if people live their lives in linear spirals, each time they repeat themselves, they can improve or regress, get worse. That's what I've seen in life. John Bradshaw is the most educated, well researched educator and presenter of human psychology, and family systems psychology as evolved by Dr. Murray Bowen in the 1950's and 60's and through till his death in the 90's. Imagine that you have a garden, and in it you plant two rows 6 feet apart, so that they will not share the same added nutrients and water. In the first row of corn you give it all organic matter nutrients and the suggested amount of water, without over watering. In the second row of corn, you give it polluted water, poulluted "nutrients," water with batter acid, and you cover it with a tarp deny it sun, every other day. Which row of corn would you personally fare to do better, and which would you want to eat? This is the root premise of "how a nature is nurtured," yes, genetics and epigenetics, and epigensis play a roll in our personality formation -- and the "baseline state of contentment or lack thereof, that we wake up with every morning." So indeed, our personalities, and abilities for happiness, are influenced by both heritable aspects, and the conditions of the garden in which we grow up, both macroscopically (society, schools) and microscopically (the family unit, primary care givers, baby sitters, close family members like aunts, uncles, grandparents etc.) Mostly, unhappy people are made, conditioned, not born. Yes some are born with a screwloose. What you resist, in getting to the bottom of your early life conditioning -- and as a famous artist once said "I found childhood particularly difficult, it made me very sensitive, it wasn't anything my family did, my parents are wonderful, it was the society, the kids around me etc." And another brilliant artist said "It is very difficult to be both highly intelligent and highly emotional (from an abusive childhood), one uses the intelligence to navigate the emotions, but eventually, without education, therapy and the learning of self regulation techniques like meditations for down regulating negative emotions, and skills for navigating social live, conflict resolution, conscious honesty, kindness and gentleness to others...there are many pot holes and troubles one can fall into in life." Mt beliefs can be discerned by the above. The people I have met who had adverse childhoods, that have done the best, are the ones who for some reason are either desperate, or able to be intelligent enough to embrace the information such as this book and others about early life development, and then find and learn the skills to navigate and act successfully as an adult. Mostly, this never happens because the information gets shamed by those like the first women, who would deride the concept / metaphor of the "inner child," because she'd heard comedians do it on TV. And yet, her life fell apart. The average human understand more about how a dog, a cat, or their car works, then how THEY work. This is a tragedy for a biomass / species known as "Human Beings." We are Human Animals, and "self aware Hominids," we exist emotionally, before we learn language and have thoughts. And what this book is pointing out and educating people to is that how that little neonate is treated (we now have evidence that a fetus can feel his mothers experience/feelings at age 6 months in the womb, so the imprints start then) will absolutely have an effect on personality development, ability for contentment in life, core values, and the emotional baseline state of the human as they come of age. I never met a school bully, murderer, or violent criminal, alcoholic, or drug addict that come from a truly healthy family. Sometimes it takes a very deep look to figure out how someone was influenced to go off the rails in life. The most interesting case I encountered was a guy who's parents seemed kind, polite, warm hearted, charming, well humored... And yet he turned out ruining a pro sports career, a professional modeling career, and became a heroin, cocaine, alcohol addict, and died of a heart attack from damage to his heart from mixing cocaine and heroin too many times. He had "died" and been revived 3 times in his life. The 4th time, it got him in his sleep. He was my dearest best friend and I learned all of the above to try and save his life. By the time he agreed to get clean, he'd already lost the ability to walk, and had a plastic plate in his head from being beaten for an unpaid drug debt. People who dismiss the important information in this book, after reading Ten Pages etc., are a sad joke. Yes, there are still light witted folk who want to attack the idea that we are influenced by our parents and siblings and that we are born with a fully formed personality and emotional traits etc. etc. etc. They do you or themselves no service. Bradshaw has owned that his southern accent, and his passion seems angry sometimes when he presented on TV, and he has apologized for that, that part of his conditioning, and urged those who or whose family members need help or recovery...to embrace the information whether it is from his work, or another author on the same topics / theory. To wit, there is a Renaissance of new authors, books and information on family systems theory and therapeutic practice in the non-USA Anglosphere. Dr. Oliver James does a great job in "How To Survive a Family Life," including intelligently debunking "the Twins" studies and theories. He's a brilliant man, a clinical child psychologist and son of both a psychologist and psychiatrist who wanted to get to the bottom of how they "screwed up" he and his sister. (He and his sister had joked about it, and he decided to find out by become a Child Psychologist. There's also a great new book out of Australia, or NZ, I forget the name and the author at this point. There are hundreds of branches of psychology, which is a field that was born out of the field of philosophy. If there there is a Logical place to begin researching understanding and changing one's self, it has to be studying the garden from which we were spawned. This book and the companion PBS TV series were massive successes for a reason. They spoke to answers Tens of Millions of people were seeking, and they have Saved Lives, probably thousands of lives. I have used them to save 6 lives myself, and used them to save 3 marriages with children as well. Sadly, if you cannot get into this book, or these ideas and theories, and understand them...it says more about your level of intellectual development than the work itself does. Humans are evolutionary creatures, we'll always be able to ding and quibble over any theories or posited ideas or researched "facts" about human conditioning, development and personality / expression. If ever there were a logical place to start to understand how we turned out they way we have...it would be the family unit, where we spent the most time being cared for or not, loved or not, where we received the majority of our early life treatment from others, and spent most of our time. Certain school is a big factor when we reach school age. Studies on human resilience also point to treatment by the mother, bonding/attachment, and available nutrition and education / 1st world / 3rd world, etc., other external factors. I hope this review helps people. GL
Cara
Author20 books93 followers
The first few chapters of this book were kind of boring--basically the background of this guy's theory and talking about what a healthy family would look like. But now I've gotten to the chapter on compulsive families, and I'm surprised (even after having been surprised about this same thing before) at how extensively this stuff describes me. The author made a horrible acrostic from the letters of "Adult children of alcoholics," and almost every single trait applies to me, or did apply to me until I worked really hard in therapy to change it. Gah! p. 90 Constantly seek approval Overreact to changes over which they have no control Anxious and hypervigilant Or, perhaps more compellingly, "I thought that my addiction to excitement, my people-pleasing and approval-seeking, my overly developed sense of responsibility, my intimacy problems, my frantic compulsive lifestyle, my severe self-criticalness, my frozen feelings, my incessant good-guy act and my intense need to control were just personality quirks. I never dreamed that they were characteristics common to adults who as children lived in alcoholic families." (p.98) Since nobody in my immediate family drinks regularly, I would be really confused right now if I hadn't already read a good bit about codependency. So, on to codependency. p. 185 It's like Tolstoy said: all happy families are alike, but each unhappy family is codependent. Or something like that. I was going to type out the acrostic for this, too, but f*ck it. The only thing I found particularly "aha!"ish here is the idea that trying to figure out what normal people would do, and then doing that, is part of all this codependent/adult children of X scene. Hm. I was mostly looking forward to the last part of the book, which is about how to get better, but I was immensely disappointed that the solution was basically: join a 12-step program, get therapy, join a group of some sort, and get a spiritual life. I might be more impressed with the author's recommendations if this whole section didn't seem so "this worked for me! Therefore, it's what you need, too!" Just not finding that particularly persuasive. Oddly enough, the description of how you'll be at the end of the third stage of recovery seems to fit me pretty well, but if you look at the descriptions of the outcomes of the first two stages, I'm all messed up. I really don't know what to to think about this book. If my therapist hadn't recommended it, I'd cheerfully cast it aside and disregard it, but since he thought I'd get a lot out of it, now I'm like, "uh oh, am I just in denial here? Do I really need a 12-step program or some sh*t?" ??? Either way, I really did not enjoy reading this book, and I'm very glad to be done with it. I kept waiting for some new (or at least new-to-me) insight, but other than the WWND? thing, there really wasn't. I guess I know more about this stuff than I realize. I did do a good bit of reading on codependency last year, and I read a bunch on addiction for a client project. There is a big exercise that starts on p. 199: "12 essential traits of co-dependency that lead to powerlessness and unmanageability"--you're supposed to go through the list and write down examples of how you've exhibited each trait (if applicable) and what it cost you. Probably a good exercise, but it sounds so hideous. Another book I'm reading right now offers contradictory advice that basically boils down to "acknowledge and move on, dude"--think I'll do that instead.
"Addictive/compulsive behavior or marry addicts
Delusional thinking and denial about family of origin
Unmercifully judgmental of self or others
Lack good boundaries
Tolerate inappropriate behavior
Have difficulty with intimate relationships
Incur guilt when standing up for self
Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth
Disabled will
Reactive rather than creative
Extremely loyal to a fault
Numbed out
Feel different from other people
Low self-worth and internalized shame
Confuse love and pity
Overly rigid and serious, or just the opposite
Have difficulty finishing projects
Overly dependent and terrified of abandonment
Live life as a victim or offender
Intimidated by anger and personal criticism, or overly independent
Control madness--have an excessive need to control
Super-responsible or super-irresponsible"
"As the definition of addiction was expanded to include the wider range of addictions (activities, feelings, thoughts), the awareness dawned on observers that any type of dysfunctional family exhibits the same co-dependent structure." (emphasis the author's)
- life
